bus roads: February 2009

my daughter quinn is going to turn 14 in a month from now. i have been a dad for 14 years.
i haven't thought of myself as a dad much, however since she started showing signs of becoming a self concious teen i feel distance becoming part of it. there have been rare tears from us both in the whole time she has been alive but this keen, distinct process of watching her start to judge herself and find her way through peers
has been heart breaking.
i have re learned how to have genuine fun, feelings, just be myself through her and now im
watching her re evaluate herself in context of her friends. i have heard it described as "finding
her identity" however i think its completely the opposite. she is masking much of herself and
only showing a little piece.
"dad, youre so crazy"
she has taken a step away and now it makes me a little lonely after finaly getting comfortable with the intimacy that comes through nurturing someone. it feels cruel now.
"im tired, im cold"
now im the one who wants to do things, she acts like she has (haaaaas) to do things.
before these past couple of years she was the one wanting to do things that some times i
was too shy to do. like singing in public, playing with the big ball in the store, running and laughing. then you start to get use to it. its a given part of being around a kid. running down
a hill and picking them up and spinning around soon is the natural interaction, and the laughter.
"da aad" -- silence---- "nuthin"
maybe the hardest part is remembering those feelings. you only have a dozen years yourself
then as a parent where its allowed. then youre reminded, oh crap. people judge you too
you may be excluded some how. look at how funny you look in pictures. what stupid clothes
you have. how dumb your life is.
i don't know why but it all goes full reverse in about six years and you start braiding your
beard and wear funny hats and listen to art music. i don't know why but the battle of identity
takes over your whole life and maybe you become a parent and start to witness playtime again.

im quinns age in this picture. i had lived my life
with my dad in the midwest, here i had jus moved out to california to be with my brother sister and mom.
everything that happened in my life up to this point is what shaped the next half of my life.
all my athetics and judgments were made in the
constant attempt to get love from an alcholoic absent man who, when this photo was taken, was the age i am now. i wonder what my dad thought
or did he think about me leaving.
physically there were alot of tears. i remember sobbing on the
airplane everytime. i remember him hugging me when i arrived for visits, however i have
no idea what went through his mind when he ignored me the rest of the time.
i hope quinn feels constant love and approval from me at all times.