parenthood

my daughter quinn is going to turn 14 in a month from now. i have been a dad for 14 years.
i haven't thought of myself as a dad much, however since she started showing signs of becoming a self concious teen i feel distance becoming part of it. there have been rare tears from us both in the whole time she has been alive but this keen, distinct process of watching her start to judge herself and find her way through peers
has been heart breaking.
i have re learned how to have genuine fun, feelings, just be myself through her and now im
watching her re evaluate herself in context of her friends. i have heard it described as "finding
her identity" however i think its completely the opposite. she is masking much of herself and
only showing a little piece.
"dad, youre so crazy"
she has taken a step away and now it makes me a little lonely after finaly getting comfortable with the intimacy that comes through nurturing someone. it feels cruel now.
"im tired, im cold"
now im the one who wants to do things, she acts like she has (haaaaas) to do things.
before these past couple of years she was the one wanting to do things that some times i
was too shy to do. like singing in public, playing with the big ball in the store, running and laughing. then you start to get use to it. its a given part of being around a kid. running down
a hill and picking them up and spinning around soon is the natural interaction, and the laughter.
"da aad" -- silence---- "nuthin"
maybe the hardest part is remembering those feelings. you only have a dozen years yourself
then as a parent where its allowed. then youre reminded, oh crap. people judge you too
you may be excluded some how. look at how funny you look in pictures. what stupid clothes
you have. how dumb your life is.
i don't know why but it all goes full reverse in about six years and you start braiding your
beard and wear funny hats and listen to art music. i don't know why but the battle of identity
takes over your whole life and maybe you become a parent and start to witness playtime again.








im quinns age in this picture. i had lived my life
with my dad in the midwest, here i had jus moved out to california to be with my brother sister and mom.
everything that happened in my life up to this point is what shaped the next half of my life.
all my athetics and judgments were made in the
constant attempt to get love from an alcholoic absent man who, when this photo was taken, was the age i am now. i wonder what my dad thought
or did he think about me leaving.
physically there were alot of tears. i remember sobbing on the
airplane everytime. i remember him hugging me when i arrived for visits, however i have
no idea what went through his mind when he ignored me the rest of the time.
i hope quinn feels constant love and approval from me at all times.

what the hell is that in my living room??

meat cornicopia/ pictures i took in chicago

throwing shoes

~~~PLEASE CLICK ON PICTURES~~~~~~


from chicago we went to new york. quinn was waiting for me at the airport.
quinn is 13 now and her schoolmates think obama is a rockstar, he is
so popular that they graffiti his name. quinn wanted to go to the inauguration.
flying into d.c. you could feel the excitment sitting on the plane.
i was sitting next to some singer guy who was asked for autographs.
he was a very good looking black man wearing a ramones t-shirt.
i struck up conversation by saying that the ramones were the first concert i went to
without my parents. he said that he just liked the presidential seal. i never found out who the
guy was but he did tell me that he was performing at the inauguration.

we packed as tight as we could onto the subway. it was the last train. more people showed up than could fit into the train. many were wearing gowns and tux's .
already i could only see smiles, richpoorblackwhiteasianyoungold.
only smiles in an over crowded train that didn't pull out for over a half hour at each stop. they
didn't know what to do with too many people trying to shove on.
then the escalator was out of service, every one had to climb up the length of 10 stories to get out
of the subway.

washington square had an inflatable Bush and a pickup full of shoes to throw at it.









the streams of people were coming from all directions.
many roads were shut down by the military. i counted 13 starbucks
along the road we walked to the "mall"



we were at the fence to the white house and someone
threw shoes over the fence and was immediately taken away.



during the inauguration when bush and Cheney took the platform
a wave of 2 million "fuckyou"s and "boo"s and some shoes were thrown. a pair of tevas landed next to me. later i didn't hear any of that on the replay of the event on t.v. only a faint sing along
of "na na na good bye"








the networks were all there
in little glass boxes. people
loved them and crowded around
the sweeping cameras on cranes.
there were so many different people there, they didn't come to this festival to take drugs and hook up. they didn't come
to the festival to ride bikes naked with fun fur hats even. they came to see it happen, i could
have hugged any one of the millions of people and it woulda been o.k. no problems . one of the things to take away from the
whole experience was that the media loved to talk about michelle
obamas dress but that was the last thing on anyones mind.

twelve below

when we got to chicago we learned that the same airline we took had landed a plane
in the hudson river in n.y. we would have been on that plane if we decided to fly straight to the
east coast instead of stopping in chicago first. i was very jealous. daves sister thought we
were on the river plane and called us worried. we saw the news while at a breakfast diner
in chicago called the egg palace. here is a picture of the palace:





ah, beautiful.
the owner gave me free coffee and told me how she can read
auras. she talked about disturbed teens giving her napkin art
in exchange for free food. she excitedly pulled out the pile of napkin art and droped it all on the floor:




~~~~CLICK ON PHOTOS~~~~~

she was concerned tht kids don't have the right
place to talk about their most secret thoughts.
she showed me her favorite drawings

back to the bus;
in four days from now im flying out to albion/ chicago to visit the
bus.
my loose plan is to get the bus back to california by june.
if i can have a home coming show on june 12 th i would be very happy.
here is a collection of movies of bus shows taken on a broken camera phone last year;
i strung them together, it reminds me of a seven inch record my old band
put out called "so jesus was at the last supper..."
it was recorded on a tape player who's batteries slowly died by the end of the recording.
the result was a long song that slowly sped up and got very blown out and noisy.
ah, happy accidents are the rule.

ed roberts

    a small woman named tracy gave me her old wheelchair once she got her new one.

i repaired it with some effort, (electronics are so much harder to fix now than five years ago)

 i took the wheel chair to my brothers house for our family's christmas gathering thinking

the chair would be used by my 90 year old grandma to keep up with us when we take our traditional after diner walk. she's slowing down alot.

               unfortunately, something like a wheelchair holds such a huge stigma,.

even in my own family.

i forget this. my grandma felt like it was putting her in an awkward situation. 

she said to my mom, 

"why  do you keep forcing things on me?"

my poor mom had nothing to do with the chair, it was my idea.

   the chair did get used however, grandma stayed at the house while

 the kids got turns driving it along our xmas walk.

my sister said things like 

"leave it to john to bring something like this.."

her two kids were loving it, making it go in circles around us, giving eachother rides.

we went about two miles and they never lost interest.  

 i couldn't grasp the tone of random comments from the adults.  it was almost

unconscious, but the implications were that they were disturbed seeing their kids in a wheel chair.   i didn't understand this at the time.

i only saw the kids joy and felt a validation of sorts.

 Visibility:

if we all had the chance to ride a wheelchair it would loose much of the association

of "sick"

replaced with a visceral expericence of "fun" 

or at least  "moves me around ", "small electric car",  "ooh, robot.."

 instead, so much of the imagery of a wheel chair is used to provoke sympathy or imply tragedy.

  the more direct variety of personal experiences we have daily, the more broad our definitions become.

     ED Roberts:

lived with a high level of physical disability.

and he liked girls.

  i  knew him in the 90's at the end of his life.

his legacy is much larger than i could have guessed. he is know as 

"the father of independent living"

     i ended up in Copenhagen once,

there was a world wide conference on  disability there.

 not only was i the only one from berkeley, but i was the only american,

as well as the only person who spoke english as a first language,

strangely the confrence was held in english. 

   i was there originally to be the attendant for a japanese man however it turned out that i was put on the spot

most of the time;

"you knew ed roberts?"  (imagine every accent of the world)

 ed was a star there.

ed wrote the american act on disability, the first curb cut, made

all public buildings mandatorily accessible, 

i was shown a dutch book where he was a prominet figure, it also had  pictures of him on stage nude with other disabled naked people and sexy able bodied girls.

there is a logical trajectory here;

    "visibility"

the basis for eds philosophy.

 

   ed was a u.c. student 20 years before me;

"We've tried cripples before and it didn't work", said the university. they reluctantly admitted ed in 1962 and arranged for him to live in the campus medical facility. 

his brother, also a student, served as an on campus pa. often pushing ed from class to class in an  old manual wheelchair.

    ed was accustomed to rejection, 

a year earlier in '61 the state vocational rehabilitation agency refused to serve him as he was considered too severely disabled and labeled "unemployable".

that decision was later overturned. one of the many ironies of eds life was that fourteen years later in 1975 governor jerry brown appointed ed as state director of the same agency 

that deemed him too severely disabled to ever work.

    ed believed that if you see people with a disability in daily life;  going to the store, school, working, an association would form,

  society would have the chance to normalize adaptive tools like wheelchairs, canes, walkers, dogs, etc. stigmas would be lessened with real life example.

         an extension of this would be sex;

if you see some one with a disability having sexual relations the association would stick.

disability doesn't mean you can't be sexy.  ergo the performance art with naked girls.

see,                   

 http://www.sinsinvalid.org

    over the past few months i have been taking a picture every day.

my new office is going to be built right above the ashby bart parking-lot.  it will be

a huge mall housing many disability related groups. 

a "one stop shop for those with disabilities" 

i feel  it's ironic that it is going to be named the "  Ed Roberts campus"

i maybe alone in this opinion however i think he would be against the project of essentialy making an institute of many groups of working disability projects under one roof. ed hated institutions.

this campus is taking these nonprofit and businesses away from more public, integrated spaces. 

 i have been photographing the construction of this place for a timelapse animation.

im not sure what to do with that afterwords but i would like to 

get the spirit of visibility across.

 naked ladies always help with that.